Fifty dollar gift card doesn’t mean you have to spend it right here right now there is no toaster oven so iconic it will define your life but only if you buy it by tomorrow, there is no more pizza in the fridge and no pressing need for toast and yes the reviews suggest the Black & Decker is not worth your time while the Hamilton Beach’s only negative review is that the timer is too loud, too loud! and knowing one thing is better than another thing is usually enough to make you buy it.

Booyah.

But didn’t you plan to buy that memory foam mattress pad that L recommended? She was the proprietor of the gift card, her and K, the two of them often the best thing, sometimes the only thing good about your Ohio life. You didn’t even have to tell them about your secret affection for Target and how they’re the classier Walmart and how the two stores sell different brands of the same products except for the most popular of brands and Target always takes the time to make sure, to make fucking certain, that their Black & Decker coffee maker costs exactly one penny more than Walmart, because it’s like the Marathon and the Duke and Duchess stations back in my hometown, where the Duke was always one penny cheaper than the Marathon and everybody thought the Duke was waiting until the Marathon posted their price for the day and then undercut them, but no. No, marathon didn’t want any of that penny-pinching trash to comes rolling through their station, if one penny matters to you than fuck off, you are everything that is wrong with this country, cars lining up at the pumps with their engines idling away that extra cent of gas they intended to save by waiting in line while the Marathon next door laughs and laughs and caters to those smart enough to see what little it matters, and also those who happened to be heading down the opposite side of the street when they needed gas.

Anyway, Walmart’s ads are nauseating and Target will draw the line at how shittily a company can make a product and still get it sold all over the country, they don’t just sell whatever and somehow that’s earned your affection over the years, also they built a Target in your hometown long before they built the Walmart, so you’re kind of used to it.

But you don’t need that Black & Decker yet because you’re never going to buy that Black & Decker because if reviews mean anything in this world they mean you’re not buying a coffee maker or a toaster oven from a company you grew up believing made the best power tools, and these categories just won’t overlap in your mind. You are however totally willing to buy this Hamilton Beach coffee maker because if you’ve learned one thing about coffee makers it’s that they drip. But not where you want them to, if you buy the cheap ones.

Save me, Hamilton Beach.

What you need to get yourself is you need a fancy red coffee maker, that’s what, so whereas your former roommate couldn’t seem to contain the liquid in the pot (or wipe a countertop for the sake of his life) you too noticed that twelve-cup pots with the flat sides and squared-off corners have too sharp of angles to make pouring with any significant velocity and not spilling kind of impossible. Really this calls into question every coffee maker that even looks similar, it makes the whole black or white stereotypical color scheme of coffee makers suspect. But red? Now that’s a coffee maker that could render coffee making an effortless task. And since biking up Mount Hearlyfugg, as in Hearlyfuggin god that’s steep, is not your cup of tea, and since your cup of tea is empty because Trader Joe’s doesn’t open until October, you’ve got the motivation to work from home now, write at home, there’s no cat and no bunny and you can put a desk by the window and work. Headphones on, world be gone.

Except, not yet. The desk is still stuck in a garage somewhere, and despite being approximately 50% the Kelvins delivered by the Pentium 4 processor in the Toshiba you bought and used for undergrad, this Ivy Bridge still gets the whole johnson region a little cooked, a little sweatified, so you won’t be writing on your lap for entire afternoons in a stretch, you need that desk and you don’t have it right now so you don’t need the coffee maker right this instant, dammit. But for the love of god, save your neck.

WaterPik, you ask, what’s that? Why it’s the one and only cascading shower head that not only makes you feel as fresh as a summer rain forest but also has this adorably snork-ish bendable pipe that takes whatever stupid height they installed your current shower head, typically about shoulder-high, and cleverly carries the water up and over top of you and drops it on down, instead of forcing you to do a mini-dip, a wet naked limbo just to get your hair involved, or the other option being to bow as if the queen is walking by, but that puts shampoo on a collision course with your tender eyeballs, which have long ago proven Baby Shampoo was false advertising and can to this day detect from twenty yards via redness litmus test a chlorinated pool. Save your neck, then, from awkward angles or from slipping backwards and landing on it in trying to dip yourself pristine.

But wait, the memory foam padding! Could change your life, the bed you spent too much for is already a pillow top and it’s proving much more comfortable than any bed you’ve bought before, but those Better Home & Garden sheets seem to expect some more junk in the trunk of this queen, hanging all loose and floppy everywhere, like they’re saying, awww. Kind of thought you were going to be bigger than this.

Whoa whoa whoa boy, slow your roll, no glove no love. Now put my comforter back on and call me a cab.

Or. Maybe try not buying anything for a minute. Maybe hang onto this gift card for a minute. Loan checks won’t be out for a while, god knows when you’re getting paid first. You haven’t bought groceries yet, like, any groceries beyond milk and Cheerios. You’ve got a place to sleep. You have a place to work at home, or you will soon, and several places to work around town right now, so go on then. Stop shopping. Stop worrying you don’t have enough. Stop worrying about what you have. Start working. How’s that sit with you.

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