Whoops may have overdone it on the coffee got a new coffee maker and only made half a pot about six cups took a shower trying to get things going early still haven’t written yet this is the first the goal was to start early get going early get a lot of work done today but not so much the research on brands of headphones I’ve never heard of or editing photos or installing a new showerhead because the other was too low down to my neck I think I’ve covered this before now I’m having trouble keeping my fingers from vibrating thought back to high school early Friday mornings at Family Restaurant on route 22 in Lancaster don’t know if it’s still open sat and smoked and coffeed until someone pointed out school was still a thing then went to history class and slept it off but now though I had one cigarette to even myself out and realized I have shoes and socks on but haven’t put a shirt on yet this twitching is not conducive to good literature may have to tone down the dosage in future

One story done four others in progress would prefer to work on the novel and cut cut cut but promised myself one more story gets done before I can allow that to happen also it’s time to submit again have you been submitting? because it’s the season to get your work out there and rejected seventy-five hundred times so that next season you can look forward to submitting them all over again otherwise it wouldn’t be called a season

Really I smoked the cigarette to get the bowels moving but I can’t tell if the tightening in my gut is intestinal activity or just an acute urge to vomit

When it’s time to write it’s time to write there should be nothing else on my mind not if I’m the writer I claim to be I have to raise the stakes have to beat these characters down with a gargantuan fist have to see what they’re made of and stop plotting plotting plotting stop thinking with my math brain and figure out what I’m afraid of write what you’re afraid of they say somebody says and I’m busying instead worrying about the logistics of car loans and stock purchases just to see if any of these plots are even logically sound

Dreamed about you two nights ago no not you not you not you especially not YOU no it was you but there were two of you kept showing up one that looked like you and one that looked like someone else I knew but couldn’t place but at the core she was you the both of them you were an artist of course we had a life together but only at times sometimes you were only the girl I wished to be with we had an extensive social schedule there was an artist party your dress could only be described as a peacockish with a rectangular billboard for the fan decorated with panels of vinyl record album covers about as gaudily hipster as possible and since there were two of you there were two dresses the same style but different colors and with different albums at one point the women at the party came up to the host/DJ and took the microphone to address the crowd at large and present the art that was their costume/dress and one woman accidentally shook out a titty in her enthusiasm and as if to erase the unintentionality of her costume malfunction every following woman included that in the presentation just popped out a titty like that was the only way to give a speech here is a deconstruction of the social norms of midwestern culture as shown in the shoelace looped through paper-punched holes in my bandanna and here’s a titty and also these shoes were featured on What Not to Wear but I’m wearing them on the wrong feet which makes it a statement about something and then it was your turn and I had a front row seat and you flipped out the titty nonchalant like and said I know they’re bigger than they seem and I could only agree the zeppelin-esque breast inches from my nose the other still restrained still its normal front desk-bell size but once exposed seemed less titty than football-shaped fluid sack a uniform color no aureola to speak of then the alarm sequence started which put me back in bed in the dream in some roomy artist’s loft and you were outside on the sidewalk waiting on me and I couldn’t rouse myself could only come close and then another snooze cycle and I’d be back in bed again and I knew if I couldn’t de-snare myself from the sheets I’d lose you my body kept trying to escape but my head attached to the pillow as if leashed there by the neck and the specific gravity of my cranium as heavy as the entire rest of me another snooze and all my efforts canceled it was exhausting and all throughout I could only watch the impending doom of losing you of you walking away down the sidewalk peacock-proud out into the sunrisen morning light smaller and smaller and I’m losing you and I’m losing you and I’m losing you still

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